Restroom Ratings » Nicaragua

Nameless Managua Bus Station

Jon — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

There are some places that you’d rather not be. Then there are some places that you rather not be more than others. This is the place you I’d least like to be. What, you say? You haven’t been there? How would I know where you would or wouldn’t rather be? I. Just. Know. The outrageous price of two cordobas–about .12 cents U.S.–
will earn you passage into a slum filled with overflowing toilets covered in shit, giant, overflowing concrete tanks, and a smell that could kill extremophiles.

– Justin Teerlinck

Convento San Francisco Granada

Jon — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

William Walker didn’t know any better. We all have talents and abilities. Some people are just better at plundering, pillaging and enslaving than others. Hey, if the American Civil War ended, and you were having a blast and then your side lost, what would you do? Become a pig farmer? Wack Willie was just following his bliss when he burned this entire town, along with this ancient convent to the ground while retreating after his failed attempt to conquer Central America and turned Nicaragua into an autocratic dictatorship modeled after the Confederacy. Unfortunately, Wack Willie’s bliss was all of Central America’s nightmare. Many of Wee Willie Walker’s mercenaries
are entombed in this convent far from their precious cottonfields, a warning to would be rambos everywhere that gold and glory are not the only posible fruits reaped by hired guns.

This structure is also a place where there once lived a monk who did some good for the world. It was from this very place that Bartolme de Las Casas, chonicler of the history of New Spain, wrote a famous letter to the Spanish Crown regarding their genocide of the Indians. It went something like this.

Dear Crown,
We’ve already wiped out 95%. Do we really need to go any higher than that?

And of course, true to original design, the edifice still retains its classical aura and the very same flush toilets that Bartolome of the Houses and Wee Willie walker once used to exorcise their biological functions. The restrooms here are clean, empty and devooid any running water or toilet paper, which is the average condition of the toilets in Central America. Running water and electricity are more or less intermittent luxeries here in Granada, ironic considering that the town edges right up to the shoreline of the tenth largest freshwater body of water in the entire world, the murky and polluted Lago Nicaragua.

– Justin Teerlinck

Big Wave Dave’s

Jon — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

I’ve been to Caye Caulker and Utilla and I feel I can safely say that
this is the best, quietest, most pretty beach town I’ve seen yet in
Central America. Big Wave Dave caters to a mostly American surfer
crowd who were caught up in the World Cup football action when we
arrived for breakfast, which was cheap and plentiful despite a poverty
of hashbrowns. Hashbrowns are basically unknown in this part of the
world, and thats why more volunteers are needed to join the
revitalization efforts. You can help out if you have education or
expertise in the making of hashbrowns by donating three weeks of your
time to spend in Nicaragua with Hashbrowns Without Borders, the Save
the Hashbrowns Fund, Habitat For Hashbrowns, Christian Hashbrowns, or
The Red Hashbrown. Any of these reputable aid organizations can pair
someone with a degree in hasbrownology with a community like San Juan
that has no hasbrowns. There are also countless communities where
hashbrowns are obtained under unsanity conditions, or where the
hashbrowns are cooked in oil instead of butter, or worse yet, cooked
from a box. Whats more, hasbrowns cooked from a box cause
malnutrition, scurvy and small pox. These diseases are curable with
just a few simple measures, like real yukon gold potatoes and the
addition of butter or even margarine.

Big Wave Dave’s bathroom has a shower, toilet paper and a toilet that
flushes, amenaties not often encountered in this part of the world.

– Justin Teerlinck