Thin Walls, Unsafe Stalls: How To Protect Yourself Against Bathroom Sex

by Justin Teerlinck

It happened to me. It could also happen to you. Hello, my name is Justin. I became uncomfortable when I witnessed bathroom sex.*

It was late one evening at Spanky’s Sports Bar and I was enjoying a few alcoholic beverages with some friends. Soon, as the water, salt and electrolytes were separated by my nephrons in my kidneys, the byproducts of those beverages were turned into urea and then urine by kidneys. The urine passed down into the ureters and landed in my bladder with a thud, filling it up. Certain muscular contractions caused me to understand that it was time to release the urine from my bladder in a socially acceptable manner. I stood up and politely excused myself, stating, “Hark! Presently, there is a quantity of urine in my bladder and it is time to make provisions to secure its release. Please excuse me while I accomplish this mandatory, biological function. I ask your pardon for a momentary lull in the conversation but feel confident that conversation shall resume forthwith. I pray you shall forgive my absence and hail my speedy return.”

“Alas, friend we sympathize with your condition and with all due haste we bid you take the required steps to ensure the safe passage of waste,” said the entire group.

Though some troglodytes do otherwise, this is the polite and the correct manner in which to excuse one’s self to complete necessary restroom tasks.

Feeling the effects of a mild, legal, ale induced inebriation I entered the restroom of this mullet clad athletics enthusiast filled sports bar. The restroom was small, cramped and unbecoming the tastes and requirements of a well bred gentleman. Never the less, I dutifully made my way past the single urinal and into the single stall, for a gentleman always uses a stall, preferring not to perform his functions in the open like a common derelict. I closed the stall door behind me, turned the latch and prepared to release an undetermined quantity of liquid waste. Just as I was about to release an undetermined quantity of liquid waste, the restroom door was flung open and several intoxicated athletics enthusiast gentlemen entered the restroom. Though I could not see them, I heard their wild antics and what their wild antics led to. It happened so quickly that it did not seem real.

“This restroom appears deserted,” said one voice. “Ah yes,” said another. “This is an excellent site for gay public bathroom sex. We are all clad in hockey jerseys and mullets. No one will suspect a thing. No one will stop us now.” I cleared my throat loudly and shuffled my feet to casually alert these conspirators to my presence, but it was to no avail. A loud banging suddenly commenced and the side of the stall began to bow inwards. Now totally unable to pass water, and fearing for my safety, I zipped up my trousers and prepared to make a hasty exit. As I opened the stall door, I tried to whistle to myself casually to give the appearance of mindless bliss, but as I surveyed the scene before me I immediately discovered that I had lost the ability to whistle. Instead of whistling, I made more of hoarse, ratting sound. To my left, two hockey jersey clad gentleman were doing what two hockey jersey clad gentlemen do when both have their trousers down and one is slamming against the other from behind.

In front of me, another hockey jersey clad gentleman, who was not really a gentleman at all stared at me directly. He folded his arms and stepped in front of the door, blocking the only exit as I approached. “You didn’t see anything &right?” It wasn’t a question. It was a threat. I was stunned to silence. I gulped hard and shook my head, no. He wasn’t satisfied. “You didn’t see anything. When you go out there you better keep your fucking mouth shut.” I lowered my eyes and nodded, like a little kid getting yelled at by a redneck dad, a redneck dad who fancies having illicit bathroom sex with other redneck dads. Without any further threats, the bully stepped aside and opened the door, looking outside quickly to make sure no one else was coming to intrude upon their redneck male bathroom sex party.

I felt dizzy from fear as I stumbled back to my table to sit down. I sat in silence while my friends continued to engage in frivolity and merriment. They laughed openly in a display of warm companionship and mirth, finding delight in the telling of jolly stories and smashing jokes. I shakily raised an ale glass to my lips and emptied the contents of the tankard into my gullet in a single draught, swallowing hard. Then I did it again. Finally, all the eyes of my companions fell worriedly upon me. “I say Teerlinck, what the devil has come over you?” they asked. “The manner of alcohol imbibery in which you engage resembles an aquatic vertebrate species with fins. Furthermore, all was merry, joyous and perfectly gay until you sat down. Now you look as though you’ve received a visitation from an invisible, supernatural being without corporeal form or substance. Do tell man, what has come over you. I say out with it this instant!” My friend’s assessment was correct that everything had been quite gay before I sat down, quite gay indeed. It must be stated however that it was not the element of gayness that made the incident deplorable but the public nature of the sex, and especially the unwarranted intimidation.

The others seconded this demand with cries of “here, here!” After I explained my situation, all became demonstrably sympathetic. “Here, have a brandy old man. Calms the nerves,” offered someone. The telling of my sordid tale had to be done in a low voice, because by then the bathroom sex rednecks had retreated from the restroom and taken up lodgings at the bar. The one who blocked my retreat could be seen periodically glancing back at my table, probably to ascertain whether I had told anyone what occurred. Most assuredly I did, but not while attracting any attention. After my companions were sure of my safety and well being, we left Spanky’s Sports bar and I have not since returned.

Let me assure our readers that such incidents are not atypical. A common stereotype of illicit public bathroom sex implies that it usually only occurs at remote freeway rest areas yet I have never felt unsafe or encountered anything similar in any highway rest area, no matter how ungodly the hour of night or remote the location. The incident described above took place at a crowded, well lit sports bar in a tiny restroom. If it can happen there, it can happen anywhere. Every citizen should know how to inoculate themselves against bathroom sex and know what to do if they see bathroom sex happening, but before that can be done one must first understand what bathroom sex is, and how to recognize the symptoms.

Bathroom sex, or sex in bathrooms occurs in two types of settings, public and private. Private bathroom sex between consenting adults at their place of residence is healthy, sane and appropriate and a sign that nature has taken care of the problem on its own. Public bathroom sex is inappropriate no matter what the circumstances, and in fact it is illegal in at least twelve states and twice as many countries around the globe, including Canada. In many other states and nations legislation is being written at this very moment authorizing a moratorium on public bathroom sex until more studies can be done. But why, in recent years has so much media attention and congressional time and energy been expended on the issue of public bathroom sex? Why indeed?

Public bathroom sex is harmful to society in numerous ways. First and foremost, it damages stalls, sinks and tiles creating a sizable dent in the taxpayers’ wallet. Secondly, public bathroom sex produces noise pollution. In several states, citizens have won lawsuits that required establishments to sound proof their homes in neighborhoods where the decibel level of public bathroom sex has caused hearing loss, broken windows and other problems. Third, public bathroom sex is dangerous to participants and bystanders alike. In several well documented incidents, public restrooms have collapsed on people having sex in them. In one case, a portable toilet fell over, trapping the five people caught inside it until a fire rescue squad came to their aid. At the same time, a fluffy kitten died when it fell out of a tree. Witnesses say that could have been prevented if the fire rescue crew had been available to save it. Instead, they were busy saving the portable toilet people. That case illustrates yet another disastrous consequence of public bathroom sex: the diversion of emergency personnel and other resources and the tragic, preventable deaths of adorable, fluffy kittens.

Many public bathroom sex aficionados are registered communists, pro-peace activists, neo-pagans, atheists, and baby eating Satan worshipping gay feminist democrat S&M pornographers, according to the surprising results of an unpredictable new study done by a fundamentalist Christian research group, the We Hate Everyone Foundation. Rev. Lane McMaxby, head of the group claims that, “public bathroom sex is god’s way of punishing divorced single mothers, Somali cab drivers and everyone else we hate! Ahhhhhh!” In response to public objections about validity, the study was vetted and peer viewed by another fundamentalist Christian group. Most of these groups assert that the best way to curb public bathroom sex is to encourage all adults to give up sex entirely, except for procreation under rare circumstances.

The psychologists say that people engage in public bathroom sex for cheap thrills, easy money or because insanity drives them to do it. They say that Undifferentiated Multifaceted Maladaptive Bipolar Bathroom Sex Disorder or UMMBBSD begins with an early childhood hatred of public restrooms. “We found that many UMMBBSD victims were once abandoned in public bathrooms or forgotten there. Instead of blaming an authority figure who they love, they blame the bathroom instead. Breaking a taboo in a public bathroom becomes a way to punish the bathroom and gain power over it,” according to Dr. Herberton B. Browntrout III, a lead research psychiatrist for the Santorum Institute For Elimination Science, a conservative D.C. based think tank. According to Browntrout, at least as many people became public bathroom sex fiends as adults or for no apparent reason. “Public bathroom sexology is still in its infancy, as a social science. We need more data, if we are to manipulate statistics and reach the conclusions about public bathroom sex that our conservative sponsors want us to reach,” explained Dr. Browntrout. “Don’t worry,” he added. “Given enough time we’ll get there. Most Americans are far too dumb to know anything about statistics. Many of them can’t even read newspapers written at the fourth grade level. As soon as a few more of them drop out of college we’ll be right where we need to be.”

Until that can happen on a larger scale however, some real science needs to be done in order to lay the groundwork for future bullshitting. Toward this end, Dr. Browntrout and his colleagues have developed some new methods to track public bathroom sex and the people who do it. Taking their cue from wildlife biology fieldwork, Dr. Browntrout and others have staked out bathrooms with tranquillizer pistols and radio collars, waiting for their elusive subjects to arrive. When they do arrive, “we zap em, tag em and bag em,” said Browntout. “Well okay, we don’t actually bag’ them. That just sounds cooler.” Specifically, they subdue bathroom sex fiends with darts, perform a rudimentary examination while the subjects are under anesthesia, and then affix a radio collar, so that their movements can be tracked. The radio collar also transmits valuable data about education, job title, family history, ethnicity and sexual preference in a confidential manner. “Our subjects’ well being is the highest priority,” said Browntrout. “We always leave the area while they are unconscious, and we never, ever laugh at them while they are waking up or make fun of the radio collar. Never. We just never do that.” For now the only treatment options that exist are antidepressants, Bible reading, plenty of water and good moral fiber. Usually, the sex fiend goes stark raving mad when public bathroom sex is withheld for longer then a day. When marijuana is added to the dangerous mix, insanity can occur even more rapidly.

So what sort of sex acts do public bathroom sex fiends participate in? “Well, we usually see quite a bit of diversity in perversity,” Browntrout explained. “The hug-a-bug, the wrap-around, the two toed grip and grab, and the snap, clap and spin are some of the more common positions but we also see the wacky wombat, the juicer, and the hush n’ flush. Oh, and plenty of male to male oral. Plenty of that.”

But aside from the government authorities and religious leaders trying to stop public bathroom sex, there are actually organizations and subcultures that promote it. The Urine Nation Center For Cognitive Healing provides advocacy and support. What services are provided to public bathroom sex fiends? Wanda Seed Vortex, chair person and public spokesperson for the Urine Nation Center responded by saying, “actually they prefer to be called Alternative Setting Sexually Honorable Oriented Lawfully Experimenting Singles With Talents And Abilities or ASSHOLES-WTAA. Like people with public urination anxiety, these people are often discriminated against and shunned. Their only recourse is to attend support groups like the one here. We offer a safe place where people are free to talk about how hard it is to get by out there on the mean streets. Some people come in to get information about where to hook up safely or to exchange condoms.” Exchange condoms? “Yes,” Vortex explained, “when ASSHOLES-WTTA return a used condom we happily provide them with a new or gently used condom.” Gently used? “All of the condoms we hand out are vigorously cleaned and analyzed before we give them away. We get very little public funding, you know.” But why not simply encourage public restroom sex fiends to have sex in private, where its legal? “That’s just what many narrow minded people want them to do, to turn their backs on who they really are. They say its just a lifestyle choice and deny that they were born to have sex in public restrooms. In this place, we let them know that their sexual public bathroom feelings are okay, and that it does not diminish their talents and abilities or their need to love and be loved back or their desire for basic respect. And by the way,” she curtly reminded me, “sex fiend is a derogatory term. They prefer to be called ASSHOLES-WTTA.”

It may not diminish their talents and abilities, but couldn’t it diminish the abilities of another group Urine Nation caters to, namely the public urination anxiety people, to perform their public restroom business? “Wow,” said Vortex spacily. “I never thought of it that way. Well, I guess if there was a problem with PUA sufferers and ASSHOLES-WTTA sharing negative space and non-constructive energy, I would tell them to honor the spirit within one another. I might also suggest they do a healing reconciliation ceremony to allow each others’ spirit animals to meet in loving spirit space so that they could name one another. By offering each other a name, they join together in a larger family that connects all creatures in unified beinghood. If that didn’t work, we could easily do past life regression healing or gentle rebirthing practice. We’re fully prepared to do that here.” I asked Ms. Vortex what the rebirthing process consisted of, for ASSHOLES-WTTA. Though I thought the word “gentle” had been used in her previous description, her detailed description included a 500 gallon tank filled with petroleum jelly (”think of it as amniotic fluid,” she said. “It sustains the fetus.”), and “forced infantilization.” After being dipped in the petroleum jelly, the participant is then roughly ejected down a slide simulating the birth canal, and into the arms of “parents” who breast feed the “infant” for as many weeks as it takes to overcome negative feelings about public restroom sex. “Only real milk can be used in our ceremony if it is going to be authentic and believable. We all come from sex, and we all use public bathrooms. Its important that we understand that those things are normal and that our feelings do not make us less lovable or able to achieve our goals with the person power we have inside.”

Unlike Wanda Seed Vortex, or the fundamentalists, there are those like myself who view public bathroom sex fiends not as evil sinners or as misunderstood minorities. When I see them, I find no urge to breast feed them, but simply wish to get away. Toward that, I will now offer meaningful guidelines to identify, recognize and retreat from public bathroom sex unharmed. Recognizing public bathroom sex is usually an uncomplicated matter because it many ways it looks and sounds similar to regular sex. However, there are differences. When assessing a public bathroom for signs of sex, ask yourself the following questions:

How To Assess the Nature and Severity of Public Bathroom Sex

1. Is there graffiti on the walls that says “get it here” or “for a good time, meet Joe B. Citizen in this stall at such and such time for XXX?” This is a sign the public bathroom sex takes place or is arranged in this location. Retreat immediate to higher ground!

2. Are the stall walls bowed outward? Do they seem to be vibrating while you’re looking at them? This is may indicate bathroom sex or an earthquake. There is no time to determine which one! Crawl underneath the stall that is vibrating and lay prone in the “earthquake position” until help arrives.

3. Are moans, grunts or squeals emanating from the bathroom? You must determine the source of the moaning immediately to determine whether or not first aid should be administered. Remember, you may be the only person available to offer assistance. Many states have “good samaritan laws” that enable authorities to prosecute anyone who does not render timely assistance to moaning individuals, regardless of the circumstances.

4. Is there a suspicious or shady character standing near the door with arms folded and a toothpick in their mouth? Does this person ask for the “secret password?” This person may be a “lookout” or someone who guards people engaged in public bathroom sex. Demand that the person show you their state lookout license along with appropriate identification such as a driver’s license or baptismal certificate. If they cannot furnish these items, but appear to be a lookout, you must make a citizen’s arrest immediately. Many states have “good samaritan” laws that enable authorities to prosecute citizens who do not arrest dangerous, armed criminals including bathroom sex lookouts without regard for life and limb.

5. Is there a sign on the door stating “do not disturb, bathroom sex in progress?” Among other things, this could indicate public bathroom sex but assume nothing until you have entered the bathroom and witnessed the bathroom sex for yourself. Then, roundly scold all bathroom sex participants for their uncouth behavior and state your intension to call the police.

6. Have there been strange lights in the area recently or unearthly phenomena or does time seem to “slow down” or “go backwards” as you reach a restroom? Unexplainable events, the distortion of time and space, and random happenings may be indicators of public bathroom sex.

Help, Help! I’ve Just Witnessed Public Bathroom Sex!

What Do I Do Now?

1. STAY CALM. Panic will help no one. Keep your nerves about you. You’ll need them! If you are unable to leave your stall, use a road flare to gain assistance. If this doesn’t work, use mirrors, sign language, semaphore or smoke signals. A cell phone may also be used to hail authorities.

2. Defend yourself with Public Bathroom Sex Chemical Irritant Spray or PBSCIS. PBSCIS is available at many stores and is chemically formulated to irritate bathroom sex fiends. It contains a non-lethal mixture of liquified porcine manure, strychnine, oxidized heavy metals, DDT, and lysergic acid diethylmide 25. Though it has been known to cause blindness, projectile vomiting, permanent developmental delays, irreparable damage to ecosystems, and nightmarish hallucinations, these side effects usually subside in no more than two decades with heavy sedation and a sound psychotropic medication regimen.

3. Place your hands around your neck and stick out your tongue. This is the international universal “public bathroom sex distress signal.”

4. Keep airways unblocked, and establish a pulse. These steps are essential to good health. In an emergency situation, it is easy to forget to breathe. Find a convenient way to remind yourself to not only breathe, but breathe deeply and naturally.

5. Are there any Mormons in the area? If so, you must get them out of the bathroom immediately and find a doctor.

6. Abandon the restroom for higher ground. Good citizens should always take the high road, and seek higher moral ground. Find a window or wide ventilation shaft. Enter the shaft and proceed north without using side tunnels. Be sure to wear a dust mask to keep out unwanted pollen and allergens. Exercise common sense until escape is secured. Only use a window if no ventilation shaft is available.

Congratulations! Following these steps has effectively saved your dignity and well being! Proceed to the nearest authorities and report what you have seen, using as many details as you can provide. These details will later help authorities to apprehend suspects and prosecute them to the fullest extent available within the U.S. However, escaping a bathroom where public sex is in progress is just half the battle. The other half of the battle consists of staying stay and recognizing public bathroom sex before you see it. These preventative measures will safeguard you from ever having to take the drastic steps listed above. Read them carefully and follow each safety step to the letter!

Preventative Measures To Protect Yourself From Public Bathroom Sex

1. Wear a U.S. Coast Guard approved personal floatation device at all times. Humans have been known to drown in as little as 2 inches of water. Public bathrooms are filled with water. Sex makes the water in public bathrooms unstable. Always wear a PFD while in or near any public bathroom. Sex may not be occurring at the time you enter the bathroom, but previous sex may have made the foundation unstable. Aftershocks from bathroom sex have long range repercussions that are little understood by psychologists and seismologists.

2. In a loud, authoritative tone of voice, shout: “I’m not here for bathroom sex!” ten times before entering any public bathroom. This will alert anyone in the area of your intensions and project a commanding, assertive attitude. Blow a loud whistle a few times to make your announcement official.

3. Create a positive attitude. If you see graffiti promoting public bathroom sex on the stalls, tape a note to the wall which says: “Public bathroom sex is not cool! Like, get a life! Do drugs instead.” Encourage coworkers and peers to take the “public bathroom sex virginity pledge” that binds signers to a strict oath of bathroom sex abstinence until marriage. After marriage perhaps a different type of pledge may be administered. In general, let everyone around you know where you stand on the issue of public bathroom sex. Write your congressperson a letter. Get involved in civic life. Volunteer to work in a memorial garden for public bathroom sex. Run for higher office on an anti-public bathroom sex platform. Together we can change society for the better, one bathroom at a time.

4. Individually question each person you find in every public bathroom. Ask them, “Are you here for public bathroom sex? No really, are you? Seriously, cause I’m not.” This may take a bit of practice before you can do it but it is well worth the effort. Not only will you discourage potential public bathroom sex patrons, but you may even make a new friend with which to fight bathroom sex.

The Public Bathroom Sex Virginity Pledge

I __________________ , promise not to have any public bathroom sex until such time as I get married in a church before god, baby Jesus and all the other heavenly stuff. Then I can have all the public bathroom sex I want until I take the other pledge.

*Loosely based on a reconstruction of actual events.

Justin Teerlinck is a 28 year old freelance writer who resides in St. Paul, Mn. His bathroom reviews are founded on a bedrock of 20 solid years of independent toileting. You can find his work in the Double Dare Press, and in the Whistling Shade. Teerlinck has experience with travel writing, social commentary, movie reviews, miscellaneous reporting, short fiction, novels, animal stories, and fake advertisements but he mostly considers himself a humor writer above all. Teerlinck welcomes your non-threatening input. Write to him at Here_Leezard@msn.com.