Restroom Ratings

Powell’s Books

Jon — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:19:09 +0000

Your Review: Recently I had the chance to visit Portland, and of course I was interested in visiting Powell’s Books.I was browsing the shelves when I found that I had to pee. So I ran frantically trying to find the little boys room. I was relieved when I finally came across it. I ran into the first stall. As I sat there I found myself reading the etchings in the wall. Written there was a review of the bathroom. (I have to paraphrase here). ”I think it is a nice bathroom but I am　afraid the guy peeing into the urinal beside me might be spying on me　5/10.” I think the score was quite fair. But the bathroom could be　kept in a better condition.

Uffizi Gallery

Jon — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:54:36 +0000

In a museum filled with such great art, I expected a moderate to exceptional restroom… but I forgot that I was in Europe. I needed to go #2, badly. Upon entering the facilities it seemed as a normal public restroom, nothing great… however, once entering the stall I noticed otherwise. I had to pick the middle stall, the cleanest of all. It had no seat, only the bowl which was covered in #2’s. I was at a state of emergency so I decided I had to use this facility. Gripping the doorhandle to hold me up so that none of myself touched the disgusting mess below, while squatting above I was praying that the door lock holding me up would not break. I’m serious in the fact that the entire stall doors and walls of the one I was in and the ones attached (all others) were leaning in towards me and I thought it would break at any moment.

I was doumbfounded… a museum with such spectaclure art and culture (not to mention the 6 hour wait in line to get in) would have such poorly maintained facilities. Honestly, this was worse than the worst port-o-potty I’ve ever seen by far.

Texaco

Jon — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 04:30:43 +0000

The mens bathroom at this roadside gas station appeared to have been propped up by stagehands overnight.. perhaps the result of a single unisex bathroom no longer meeting their needs. Whatever the case, the bathroom was obviously not designed under ideal conditions. The lack of a working lock on the door made for a pretty tense urination. Often times, I am able to prop my foot against the door to prevent unwanted entry but the door was much too far to reach without using GO-GO-GADGET gimmicks.

In addition, the flickering flourescent lights were painfully annoying.

Tecnologias Modernas Internet Cafe

Jon — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 23:31:11 +0000

This is an outdoor internet cafe, with laptops set up beneath a tent canopy on a cobblestoned parkway. Outdoor internet cafe, indoor restroom. The manager did not frown, whine, sigh, ask question or sigh exasperatedly when I asked to use the restroom. He simply said, “claro que si!” (of course!) with a jolly hint of joviality in his voice. Inside I found a toilet seperated from the sink by a metal filing cabinet with more rust than peeling paint. Atop the cabinet
there sat a plate with a mashed up tube of colgate and a spoon, numerous tubberware dishes and a large, mean looking knife. Heeeeeey, I like this place! The toilet paper was brown and industrial. I did not touch it. I did not need to.

– Justin Teerlinck

Celenque National Park

Jon — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:09:55 +0000

Thanks Lempira. Thanks a lot. Thanks for the rebellion. You mopped the floor with the imperialists. You did it for the country. You did it for the cause. You really rocked. Thanks for shooting that bow and arrow at all the posers out there. We’re gonna name some money after you, maybe a town or two also. How about that? Oh, you want a statue too?
Done.

Near the town whose name thanks the man there lies a national park, whose name is Box of Water, or Celenque. Where is the box? Its inside us all, waiting to be opened and explored and allow our entrapped souls to build bridges of understanding. Across the perilous pit of misunderstanding to the golden palace of freedom. Its also 11 rivers that pour down from the heights of Honduras’ tallest mountain.

It could also be the toilets that serve the visitor center and actually flush, although they’re more circular than boxey. Really though, it is a subjecive observation. We could fight and disagree about it all day but what good would that do, really? Instead, let’s all just chill out and have a good time and listen to our hearts and minds and get wined and dined.

Celaque has big pine trees, and cloud forest above 5,000 feet filled with bromeliads and other -iads, not to mention rare orchids growing out of logs, waterfalls, howler monkeys, giant spiders who hate people, rain, and mist. All those things use the bathroom in the forest.

– Justin Teerlinck

New City Billiards

Jon — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 06:06:53 +0000

The newly renovated New City Billiards contains showcase quality restrooms.

For historical purposes, the following is the original review and photo for the old City Billiards from January 28, 2003.

Dingy and forelorn, this pool hall restroom has definitely seen better days. Various graffiti and damage mars the tiles, mirrors and stainless steel walls. Meanwhile grunginess triumphs over cleanliness in the everlasting jihad of restroom maintenance. One nice touch, however, was the nearly overflowing ashtray adjacent to the men’s urinal.

The Field Museum

Jon — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:06:14 +0000

Accommodating in amenities and grand in scale, this khaki wonderland is ready to tackle the roves of field tripping kiddies seen on any given day at this reknowned museum of natural history. Featuring rows of the staple toilets, urinals and sinks as well as state of the art dryers, towel dispensers and changing tables.

Red Fish Blue

Jon — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 06:05:21 +0000

Red vinyl booths, bold blue ceilings, a huge mural with cartoony blue and yellow fish, hip square menus with all the right fonts… one might expect to find a restroom to match at this not-quite-trendy restaurant near Macalester College in St. Paul. Instead I found shiny black tile with pale blue dividers and faux-marble floors – respectable in it’s own right, yet not quite fitting of the dining atmosphere I experienced.

To its credit, the restroom was remarkably clean and new. Most of the fixtures required touching – but touching them didn’t seem quite so bad because of their immaculate condition. (Also, the patrons themselves seemed like a well-kempt bunch — probably showering daily and whatnot.)

EDITOR’s NOTE: This restaurant no longer exists.

Clam Dam County Park

Jon — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 05:46:56 +0000

I caught no fishes here. Neither did Papa Larry. A toddler next to me caught a sunfish, but not me. What did I catch? I caught me a case of the “Gots-to-pees” and everywhere I turned somebody at this remote, woodsy park said, “Oh say, how’s the fishin in your spot? In my spot I ain’t-a catched nothin.”

“Fine, just dandy.” I’d say.

“That’s a lie, son,” the other fisherpeople said. “You have to pee now dontcha boy?”

I tooka my hat off and scuffed at the ground a bit. “Yessir.”

“Well then you best be on your way then. Go on, get!”

The crapper here is a square chimmney-like hole, covered in streaks of splattered liquid feces, the remanants I’m sure of many bodies purging out the uncooked pork brats and the lactose intolerant ice cream cheese bar treats and braunschwaggwer flavored beer. Ah, lets make that “treets” instead shall we? Good boy.

As I sat on this thrown, I pretended I was Dick Van Dyke in the movieshow, “Mary Poppins.” I pretended that as a chiminny sweep, one of my tasks was to sit on top of somebody’s chimmney and crap in it, and then sing a merry song about my deed.

Would you like to hear my song? Okay, boys and girls. I just knew you would.

Chim-chim-iney, chim-chim-iney
Chim-chim, cheroo,
I had to drop my drawers
on top of your flue!

Chim-chim-iney, chim-chim-iney
chim-chim, cher-ey,
Since I made a BM down your hearth
Then I may as well also pee!

Chim-chim-iney, chim-chim-iney,
Chim-chim, chim-choy-let
The view from your rooftop
Is the view from my toilet.

- Justin Teerlinck

Macalester College Library 1st Floor

Jon — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:03:11 +0000

A tidy bathroom with a ledge to put periodicals on top. Amazing! You can pick anything to read…and sit in peace.

EDITORS NOTE: The library staff request that you NOT take periodicals into the restroom. If you do, please do it discreetly so they will not be forced to yell at you. Ironically enough, yelling is also not allowed in the library.

Kaffi Duus

Jon — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 06:17:38 +0000

The friendly restaurant/coffeeshop Duus is nestled in the harbor at Grof in Kevlavik, home to Iceland’s International Airport and host to a Naval Air Station which supports NATO operations. In true U.S. fashion of course, the base does not operate under a Status-of-Force agreement and has been illegally occupying the space since shortly after World War II. On any given day at Duus, you will probably see any number of servicemen or women from the base enjoying a relaxing cup of coffee and some bouillabaisse.

The restrooms are accessible from the harbor-side of the building leading me to think I would be able to watch the dingy’s docking as I drained my wang. Unfortunately, I was not so lucky. The restroom was basicly a small windowless closet. The walls were adorned in a fake marble plastic sheeting which I found quite common in Iceland and a small thin radiator was mounted on the wall. Drying of your hands may be accomplished using the Vortice automatic handdryer (or seche-mains handretrockner asciugamani if you will).

Taco Bell

Jon — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 23:00:55 +0000

How much space is required for one person to quickly urinate before (or after) consuming several different styles of American tacos which all seem to contain the exact same ingredients? Can the bathroom of a Taco Bell be a microcosm to the giant evil known as urban sprawl?

While well lit and clean (save for the small excrement flecks lining the toilet wall), I felt uncomfortably small and unimportant in this made-for-one bathroom which is larger than some Manhatten flats. I began to wonder if destroying wetlands, natural prairie and farmland to create unnecessarily large restrooms was really worth it. That aside, I marveled at the sturdy and satisfying door lock, which managed to save me from more than one embarassing bust-in. The paper towels were well stocked and the push-button hand dryer was mildly pleasant.

Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome

Jon — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Behold the aging behemoth that is the Metrodome restroom. Marvel at the bawdy paint and bland concrete floors. Run your hand along the dank, clammy wall. Slowly caress the tarnished trough-style urinals.

Enjoy it while it’s still there. The Vikings and Twins won’t stand for it much longer.

Shell

Jon — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

You always know you’re in a classy establishment when the outside is emblazened with the words "CHEESE" and "LIQUOR". Of course in Wisconsin, establishments of this sort are all but uncommon – speckling the interstate from Hudson to Kenosha. The highlight of this particular lavatory had to be the bountifully stocked vending machines… and when I say vending machines – I’m not talking about Pepsi and Gardettos.

The overall cleanliness was a bit tepid with refuse on the floor and various liquids (water and urine being the most popular) aspersed here and there. However, this restrooms savior was the shiny red and black tile which added a certain flair without sacrificing tact.

Mobil

Jon — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Wisconsin Dells, "Las Vegas of the Midwest". Home to the Infamous Tommy Bartlett Thrill Shows, the worlds largest water park and scenic tours with amphibious vehicles. However, this restroom failed to live up to the glitz and glamour I was expecting. Located just a few blocks from the core of Main Street (rightly, some call it Bourbon Street), it is quite amazing just how ordinary and bland this restroom managed to be. Cudos, tho, for the nod to 70’s color schemes with the harvest yellow dividers.