Bauerlein Cabin

Bauerlein Cabin

Finland, MN

Reviewed October 26th, 2004

The Bauerleins are a friendly, trusting couple who rent out their cabin in northern Minnesota to cover property taxes and other expenses. Because the cabin sits by a river, these ecologically minded cabin owners decided to go with two options for getting rid of human waste without running the risk of contamination. The first option consists of a doorless outhouse with a large, removable receptacle for catching the byproducts of long days of hiking and eating. A doorless outhouse, what a charmer huh? Actually, yes. Note the buckets of lime (the mineral not the tropical fruit) and ash nearby to nullify the smell and aid the decomposition process. Throwing lime on my waste quickly became a ritual during my time there. Don't do the time, unless you got the lime! The setting is rounded out by strings of x-mas lights to guide your way to the privy, and a brightly colored seat depicting frolicking ocean fishes.

The cabins' other potty is an out of order (as of our visit) product of Swedish engineering called the "Biolet". In theory, it is supposed to turn stool into compost but its operation requires a technical degree in biolet-ology. Dials need to be turned. Sawdust needs to be weighed, measured, ph balanced. The moment your ministrations fail to appease this most pampered of potties, you might be mired in more stool than an eighty foot long bar. Even when functioning at peak performance, this race car requires the user to remove a tray full of partially decomposed poo and eat it. Well, okay you don't have to eat it but it has to go somewhere. It has to travel and you are the transportation. Before we learned of its inoperable status, my girlfriend and I already decided. No thanks. The low tech outhouse only requires us to deposit our solid currency, not withdraw it. For the record, I do like the idea of the Biolet. I am simply acknowledging the fact that if I were approaching the surface of the moon in one, I'd have a helluva time trying to land it without guidance from mission control.

The cabin journal bears witness to the outhouse complaints of some of the dainty, faint hearted bourgeoise who rented the cabin before us and will surely record the disapproving memoirs of others who follow. These anemic, weekend warriors will pen long winded soliloquies about becoming one with nature, but they cannot even answer nature's call in anything less safe than a spotless, flush toilet. "Ooooh, ooooh, too icky!" they mutter when faced with the outhouse, cell phone in one hand, antiseptic spray in the other. It is the dominance of this feeble subspecies and their thumb sucking dependency on gadgets that think for them, and OnStar to save them that surely heralds the eventual disappearance of Homo sapiens sapiens from the face of the Earth. Anyone who's tempted to think I'm yuppie baiting here ought to understand that this phenomenon is not just class related anymore. There are plenty of gadgets designed only to help the wealthy redneck bag and tag that deer, locate the fishes, and navigate the woods at night on an ATV while hammered, all with a minimum of skill. We have truly developed into a civilization that solves all its problems by pushing the correct buttons.

If you're not smart enough to figure out the Biolet (us) or too germ phobic to touch the frolicking fishes with your gluteus maximus, then what? They say that necessity is the mother invention, but I think it really must be fear of germs. One person that complained about the outhouse spent their time compiling a list and weighing the relative merits of others places to go in town. Hmmm. Maybe fear of germs are also the mother of restroom reviews. Whoa. I hope I didn't just deconstruct my own psyche there. Inadvertent self analysis and actualization, now isn't that just sexy and dangerous as all get out?

- Justin Teerlinck

RESTROOM RATING: 8
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