Kwik Trip

Kwik Trip

Fairbault, MN

Reviewed December 29th, 2004

Picture this: You've kept a white knuckle grip on your steering wheel for a two hour long slog on a Minnesota highway in the middle of winter. Keeping the car in your lane is a mind numbing exercise in insanity at forty mph in freezing drizzle and even now, some prick with a death wish hovers on your tail punishing you with his high-intensity halogen headlights. When you finally pull off the road after such a journey, your first thought isn't, "I need gas." Is it? No, no, no. You're thinking: Cripes, (In Minnesota you only think "cripes" if you're really, really fed up) I wish there was some place in this podunk town I could peacefully tie off and shoot up in.

Right? Am I right? Come on! Show of hands people; don't be shy!

Hell yeah. Well, I found just such a place. At Kwik Trip you'll find a private, completely walled in wheelchair accessible stall. In the corner of the bathroom, you'll find a clean and sanitary sharps disposal receptacle so you don't have to carry around your spent needles. A baby changing station provides a flat surface to lay out your paraphernalia and prepare a dose. Bright lights throughout the facilities will assist you in the task of finding a vein, without intruding too much on your much needed privacy. In the stall, as you sit on the can you'll tilt your head back affix your gaze on wall trimming featuring stags frolicking in a misty, wooded grove. As you slowly, slowly depress the plunger on the syringe the deer begin to get fuzzy and turn into Lou Reed. The drums are beating louder in your ears. Its your pulse, quickening. Hey... isn't that the Velvet Underground? Are they playing a song about deer? Do deer... have antlers or horns? Whoa... whoa... this is some good shit. By now, that frozen highway is just a distant memory. The blue halogen death lamps that illuminated the interior of your car from behind, reflecting off of every mirror, they're gone now. Nobody wants to punish you in here. In here everything is warmness and soft light and peace. Suddenly, the world ain't so ugly.

Everyone should be diabetic, if only for the insulin shots.

- Justin Teerlinck

RESTROOM RATING: 8
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