Kahler Grand Hotel

Kahler Grand Hotel

Rochester, MN

Reviewed February 17th, 2005

Remember that hotel in Stanley Kubrick's The Shining? Going up in an ancient, wood paneled elevator while picturing the oceans of blood from the movie recalled by its oppressive aura was not good for my already sleep-deprived nerves. Luckily, the bathroom I found on the second floor at the top of the landing was quiet, dimly lit and on the frigid day of our visit, nice and toasty. I have a feeling I would have enjoyed the experience a little more if I weighed a hundred pounds less and dropped a few feet in height. The loo was designed for the horizontally unencumbered, and I alas cannot count myself among their storied ranks.

How glad I was, that no one was present to witness your humble restroom patron trying to stuff his sloppy rolls and soft, paunchy parts (scarf, coat, hat, and mittens all) in between the cracks and crevices of this mousetrap just to get into a stall, the only stall. How I wished I had brought along some bear grease in order to lube up and ease my fat along the walls to my destination with snail-like precision, thus avoiding any chance of getting a pinched pouch or a mangled man boob. For the record, I am NOT morbidly obese, just mildly gross. Okay, you're right. That's going way too far. WAY too far. Still, I enjoyed writing it a great deal. And I admit to getting a certain, sadly satisfying kick picturing your scrunched up face, squinting eyes and puckered lips as you read these words.

The urinal - I can't get over this - is just a few inches from the sink. But for a cheesy barrier, what is stopping a heavily intoxicated or highly creative person from thinking the sink is just another urinal and... yuck... let us not go there. No. I do believe I've already done enough damage here.

- Justin Teerlinck

RESTROOM RATING: 5
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