Old Mexico

Old Mexico

Roseville, MN

Reviewed April 2nd, 2005

Old Mexico may have solved the problem of keeping wayward, alcoholic males from urinating in out of order urinals. Instead of an "out of order" sign over each urinal that might look all blurry and irrelevant after you've had ten beers and you've already got your fly down, large pieces of tape have been placed across each urinal in an X. Apparently even that wasn't enough, and so the entire area in front of the urinals has been barricaded and cordoned off with tape. Now no one, drunk or not has the benefit of an excuse when management finds them hovering over an overflowing urinal, completely without shame as they ponder how to explain the streamers of tape hanging from their sides like the dress uniform of a dumb ass in military just for morons. "I guess you want me to leave huh?" is about all that can be said.

On the wall opposite the urinals there hangs a metal box with a sticker depicting a portly skunk wearing a diaper with its legs spread. The diaper is held in place with a big clothespin. The skunk is holding a spray bottle and large, puffy clouds hover in the air all around him. Below the skunk is a caption that says "Aire-Master." It is not clear whether the clouds originate from the skunk's diaper or the spray bottle, but one thing is certain: This skunk is having a hell of a good time. His eyes are closed in ecstasy and a strangely human grin is easily recognizable on his mouth. This scene leaves the restroomer with more questions than answers. For starters, who is this Aire-Master? Is it the skunk? Is the skunk implying that we should all feel comfortable wearing diapers in the restroom? Since I found this strange box in Old Mexico, I searched the archives for any traditions or lore involving diaper wearing skunks in Mexico.

Oddly enough, a footnote in Carlos Fuentes' The Buried Mirror refers to a custom that began in 1849 that started when a skunk was found wearing a diaper in a restroom. After a group of drunken men found the skunk, they laughed at him and there was no rain for their crops for many days. Then, a malodorous little girl named Isabel prayed to the Virgin of Guadalupe for a miracle. Her family was very poor, and they were afraid that Isabel would never be able to get married because no suitor wanted to pay her father Inigo Montoya the hefty bride price of ten centavos for such a beautiful yet stinky girl. All the children called her Isa-smell. Her family spent all their money on many different kinds of soaps, even the gringo brands, but nothing worked. So then Isabel prayed and after she finished praying she heard a little voice squeak for help. The voice said, "Help! Help! I have no pants! Help! I have discomfort! I have shame!" The girl ran to the seedy bar where these cries were coming from. At first she thought it was the bar's monkey, but after questioning the monkey, Diego, she saw that Diego still lacked the power of speech. She went inside and found the skunk in the bathroom. It had fear. It had shame. It was wearing a diaper. It was surrounded by banditos, who taunted it. As soon as Isabel went in there, the banditos went away because of Isabel's smell. The skunk cried and cried while Isabel helped it find pants.

Isabel brought the skunk to her father, who gave the skunk his best pair of Sunday trousers. The skunk said thank you. Even though there were much large, because Inigo was a fat man, the skunk put them on and did not complain. He was a good guest and if there was any gas, he took it to the outside of the house. All the people laughed and said, "Ha! Inigo Montoya help the skunk! Ha! The skunk, it wears a diaper yet they give it pants!" Then the skunk gave Isabel its diaper and said, take this and you will be the Aire-Master. Then, the Virgin came down and spoke through the skunk. She said, you are good to help this skunk so I will help you. Then she never smelled bad anymore.

Soon the people had corn again for the tortillas and seven layer burritos. The corn was black with a white stripe but it tasted like corn and not like skunk. But if the people were evil again, yes, it would taste like skunk and the people would have some decisions to make, difficult choices about what to eat. It is said that the skunk folded up his diaper and went to Nuevo York where he spoke to sold-out crowds about sanitation engineering and basic respect. He wore the diaper to protest for animal rights and an end to the skunk fur industry. Ever since that time, the people have celebrated Isabel's miracle on Diaper Skunk Day. Every year they put a skunk in a bathroom with a diaper and pants. If the skunk chooses the pants, all the people shout "Aire-Master! Aire-Master!" and throw coins. Then everyone puts on a diaper and eats tres leche cake and there is much rejoicing. If the skunk chooses the diaper, the people just move the skunk over to the pants and then they celebrate. To this day the diaper wearing skunk remains the patron saint of all girls named Isabel and all skunks who wear pants.

It is also possible that a diaper wearing skunk was depicted in early Aztec motifs from the pre-Classic, and that it had some relation to the founding of a mysterious Aire-Master cult, but there is as yet, not enough data to support any conclusions.

The men's room contained one stall, which I found adequate. Unfortunately, the stall had a door and the toilet had a seat, making it a grossly inauthentic imitation of a real Mexican restroom. Yet I will demure and not subtract any points for that. The women's room was not reviewed. Sorry, amigas.

- Justin Teerlinck

RESTROOM RATING: 6
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