Heath Creek Rest Area - Northbound I35

Heath Creek Rest Area - Northbound I35

Fairbault, MN

Reviewed May 9th, 2005

Wandering the empty restrooms of this rest area was like touring an abandoned ship. Large bathrooms featured stall after stall of clean, perfect, vacant uniformity. Everything was powered by motion senor activation, which made me feel good but paranoid too. I dislike touching anything in public bathrooms no matter how clean it looks, even myself. Yet, something about the blinking red dot on the black screen of the senor on the toilet flush senor made me imagine a near future reality. I imagine that some day I will open the stall door and a soothing, psychiatric voice will greet me by saying, "Hello Justin, it is so nice to see you again since you last visited four years, three months, twenty eight days and six hours ago." The same voice will sedately continue, " Are you still smoke free? Congratulations. Smoking is bad for your health. Say, your heart rate shows irregularities and your stool is compressed, which makes me think you may be constipated. May I offer you an enema today? How about a laxative? Fiber is an excellent way to increase peristalsis, don't you agree?" Then I'll finish up and try to open the stall door and a deadbolt will automatically lock. "Justin, you have not yet answered my questions. I'm afraid I must insist that you choose a course of action." I pound on the door frantically but it is hopeless. "Justin, your last action demonstrated socially unacceptable behavior and hostility. If you do not comply I will be forced to restrain you." A second later a blinding burst of pepper spray brings me to my knees and I feel the toilet seat slam down on my head repeatedly. "This is for your protection. Do not be alarmed."

I expected to find one stall in the handicap accessible restroom but found three or four instead. Was this intended to be coed? Upon making this discombobulating discovery, I had to ask myself a tough question. Am I a chauvinist if I can't use the bathroom if there is a girl in here at the same time? I think not but you can judge.

- Justin Teerlinck

RESTROOM RATING: 7
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