Dynasty Restaurant

Dynasty Restaurant

St. Paul, MN

Reviewed May 15th, 2005

Men's and women's consisted of a single entry space with a toilet, sink and peacock painting symbolizing restroom fantasy fulfillment. The women's also had some kind of strange metal box vaporizer type device with a plastic doohickey on top, the likes of which I have never before seen. Rest assured, it was hot. Beside a blue candle in the men's room sat a totem pole around which little red demons or aliens appeared to be frolicking with the hat-clad ghost of their ancestor. They perched atop a several tiered scale model of the underworld based on Dante's Inferno which was ringed with wreaths of hallucinogenic and highly toxic herbs which perhaps indicated that knowledge of the hidden realms comes with a price.

Written upon this symbolically potent edifice were the words "Christmas tweets," a kind of arcane warning used by the ancient Greeks when they inducted new initiates into their enigmatic mystery religion. "Give him the barely drink," sayeth the satyrs, dressed in the masks representing Dionysus in drag and Jim Morrison. "Is he ready?" says another. "Christmas tweets," they all say in unison. "Christmas tweets," as the young man gulps down the ergot laced concoction and enters the cave to face what lies within himself alone. In the pitch blackness, deep within the cave the initiate sees not what they want him to see but what he is intended to see by the universe. He sees his own mind split into millions of pieces, all of which say "Christmas tweets, Christmas tweets." Finally it all ends, and the man emerges and The End plays, all 18 minutes and by now we all know that Marlon Brando is dead and Martin Sheen is the president...wait a second. Oh, that was Apocalypse Now. Okay... well anyway, it is all very deep and trance-like and acid filled and the code word is: Christmas tweets.

- Justin Teerlinck

RESTROOM RATING: 6
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