Stony River Cafe

Stony River Cafe

Isabella, MN

Reviewed May 29th, 2005

One has to walk down a long corridor filled with dead stuffed animals in order to reach the unisex restroom of the Stony River Cafe, one of a dying breed of mom and pop eateries with small town charm and a unique, unpolished vibe. This cafe was sleepy enough that the eggs, toast, hashbrowns and bacon I requested was a large enough order that the waitress told me kindly, "just a second hon, I'll have to see if the cook has enough time to do an order that large." Wow! The stuffed animals were former forest creatures, from bears, to foxes, mink and raccoon as well as various fishes mounted on the wall. Their glassy eyed stares seem to shout one thing: "We're high! We're dead! Come join us!" I was able to join them because I was so hungry that I actually felt a bit buzzed from eating those eggs and hashbrowns so quickly and certainly the cholesterol contained in the bacon will eventually kill me. While I attacked my plate as though my life depended on it, my girlfriend rolled her eyes, told me to slow down and reminded me that I'm not homeless or starving. At the same time, my arborist brother gazed admiringly at the antique and oversized lumberjack tools mounted on the walls all around the dining area. "Arrrr!" he grunted like a pirate, eyeing the rusted booty with slack jawed jealousy, "I want me one of those!" He was pointing at a six foot wide, two-person tree saw. "We have something like that, but its a chainsaw. Its really fun, but that would be fun too."

It was also fun to read the anonymous framed, untitled poem on the wall above the toilet:

"All us people
with septic tanks
give to you
our heartfelt thanks
for putting nothing
in the pot
that isn't guaranteed
to rot
Kleenex is bad
Matchsticks too
Cigarette butts
are taboo
no hair combings
use the basket
There's a darn good reason
why we ask it!"

The bathroom was clean and it contained generic, framed pictures of a bustling mainstreet with red brick buildings and awnings that does not exist anywhere near Isabella. It also had one of the best views from a restroom window I have ever encountered.

- Justin Teerlinck

RESTROOM RATING: 8
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