Fawn Doe Rosa

Fawn Doe Rosa

St. Croix Falls, WI

Reviewed June 5th, 2005

Nice said that the women's was not decked out in plants and trolls, only a border featuring cartoonish bears, foxes and raccoons. She said it was, "the usual dumb wall border thing." She was upset because the women's did not get the same special treatment as the men's. Nice hypothesized that perhaps a passive aggressive woman did the decorating, and desired that dirty, stinky men have all the extras as a kind of punishment because men do not appreciate extra details so it would be a kind of torture to pee with the urinal pirate and his friends. Yeah, I know. Huh? "Girlfriend," I said. "Listen to me. I know not the ways of such things. Speaking on behalf of all men, I'm telling you that, except for the perverted look in his eye, we all very much appreciate the urinal pirate. He stands guard at the edge of a very long (for him anyway, being only about 4 inches high) precipice. He stands ready, sword in belt and belly tucked in. He protects our freedoms from the Bad Terrorite Peoples. With beady little eyes, he stands and stares, scrutinizing every unzipped schlong, making sure that no terrorites are hiding out in there. Wait a minute, yeah that is sort of creepy." Maybe somebody should turn the urinal pirate around for modesty or better yet, put in a motion sensor so that the second a dude steps up to the er...plate...the little dude immediately turns around respectfully on a rotating dais and once he's fully turned around a little pre-recorded pirate voice says: "Arrrr matey! Don't mind me, I just be pleasurin' me-self after a long voyage. Arrr, arr, arrr, arrr! Go eat yer spinach boy. I like em strong! Arrr, arrr, arrr." Damn, I forgot to put that on the comment card at FDR.

You should've seen some of the things these critters were doing at FDR. There was a baby raccoon who climbed up and down the wall of his cage sideways, with his or her two right feet! Isn't that something? Or how about the wolf baiting deer? That little dude could go anywhere it wanted in the entire place, so where did it hang out? Right in front of the wolf cage, thats where. But the amusing animal antics were somewhat negated by the number of times I have to use the word "cage" in describing them. If the wolf's situation was sad the black bear, grizzly and morbidly obese badger were pathetic. Bears should never be in cages. Let me repeat that: bears should never be in cages. The staff gave explicit instructions not to feed or approach the newborn fawns, yet hordes of jackasses did so anyway... even in front of the staff, who in turn did nothing. Well surely the fawns will toughen up soon. I try to believe that life in a petting park must be a life of luxury for a wild game animal. I hope it is. The burros, bunnies, chickens, horses and cows all were getting along fine. I saw a llama grooming its little sheep buddy and leading a baby cow around. They all have cross-species friendships that makes it seem silly that humans of one species can't seem to get along.

So what else was weird? The men's also had other nautically themed items including a wooden anchor hanging from a stall door, waiting for a chance to stabilize FDR in the rough seas often found on the border between Minnesota and Wisconsin. The men's also had some hanging plants and even a plant that hangs off of the urinal, right next to the urinal pirate. Yeah. A goofy little wood duck alter sits at the corner of the sink, and I cannot figure what she wants. Actually its a mallard made out of wood. Both restrooms lacked a hot water faucet on the sink, something Nice said she needed in order to rid her hands of animal bacteria.

Some of the animals we fed at this petting park were later seen licking their own be-hinds. Well I guess it was mostly just the goats but I saw one deer doing it too. Come on critters, you're better then dogs aren't you? "Baaaa, baaaa, no we're not. Look how far I can reach. You're a real stupid baaaaastard. Baaaa." Thats what bad little sheeps say. Back to the Halal shop for you my little friend.

Anyway, even though it was bizarre that both restrooms were missing hot water faucets and had those barbardic, vile wrap around cloth towels, they still make up for it by having a wall mounted hand sanitizer dispenser on the outside of the facility. Yet, the hand sanitizer was foamy, came in a loud color and did not easily absorb, which robbed me of the use of my hands for longer then I appreciated. Plus there was no sign or park literature that directed me to the hand sanitizer. I had to find it on my own, after decades of painstaking research in crumbling, moldy libraries filled with unfriendly librarians who made me feel more ignorant then I already do feel. So...points off for that and...and...no soup for you! There, how about that? Who's the boss now huh? Not Tony Danza! Misplaced family sitcom references aside however, I'm happy to say that the complex restroom rating calculus we use in our peer reviewed strictly scientific study of restrooms ends up favoring the lovely loo at FDR.

- Justin Teerlinck

RESTROOM RATING: 8
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