Reptile Gardens

Reptile Gardens

Rapid City, SD

Reviewed June 10th, 2005

Co-author's note: I brought my friend Here Leezard with me on this one, and being a leezard and all, I agreed that his expertise might come in handy so I agreed to let him write his own review, to be followed by mine. Okay Here Leezard, let 'em have it.

Here Leezard's note: Reader--yes you toots--don't listen to him, the one who just wrote his thing first up above my thing here. That one, the one this leezard speaks of, the Teer Linck, he is a real fat idiot. Not fake, like in the noir films. He has man boobs. Read this leezard's review instead, maybe learn something? Yes, make the right choice.

Here Leezard's review type thing: Uh, ah yes? Hello? Right! Yes, it was a fine and sunny day the Teer Linck and me, Here Leezard, go to this leezard place, the Garden of the Reptiles, meaning us cold blooded non-mammal green things, the leezards. First thing this leezard do is look up uncle Eddy, who live in the Sky Dome with some other leezards. "Hey Eddy, how you like it here, at this your Reptile Garden type place?"

"leezard, leezard," say Eddy.

Maybe he misunderstanding me. Hmmm. "Uncle Eddy, hey, I your nephew leezard am asking you, my leezard uncle some question type things. This is how the humans say? Ah yes, the journalism. So please, venerable green uncle, help me out here with your much anticipated intelligent and articulate answers to my important question...okay?"

"Leezard, leezard. Leezard, leezard. Slurp!"

Here-Leezard, he try to raise his little pen in his little wed-ed foot, to you know, be prepared to write some journalism, but Uncle Eddy, that stupid freak he just start to lick himself. "No, no, no Uncle Eddy, come on! Have some dignity. I don't care if you are part gecko, come on now. Now tell this small green and getting very impatient but still hopeful nephew thing - as in myself, you understanding? - about this thing here, your home. You live here for many decades, you must have some shit to say huh? Like these stupid humans, keeping you down, how about this? Hmmm? Or, or your cage, this must be very much oppressive to you, and full of crap which the humans do not clean yes? Or the poopy human tourist children, ah how they must mock you, and how it damage your proud, leezard ego, and how you wish that you could start a leezard prison break so that at least you could get out of here and try the pot once in your pointless life, but maybe from pot, the evil gateway, you progress to heroin injection and then, next thing you know you miss things here... am I ringing any loud bells in your thick green head, my truly respected unclefriend? Please Eddy, the made for television leezard-in-danger flick I wish to create must start somewhere. 'Based on a true story' is the name of the game uncle, not 'based on crap.' So give me a break here. Blink twice if you agree. What you think of these names: Not Without My Leezard, hmm? Hmmm, yes? I like that one too. Or how about this one, Bite the Hand That Feeds You Especially If It's Big and Stupid: The Eddy Leezard Story? Did Here Leezard detect a blink, no? Oh, you just regurgitated Okay well then, how about this one, A Leezard King No More: Lost In Reptile Garden?

While Here Leezard waiting, then his uncle, he jumps into this little bowl of water he has in his cage with some gross lettuce floating in, he jumps in and poops, clouding up the water. He doesn't even get out to regain his dignity but just sits there splashing around like a dumb, poop splashing dullard. Now he eating that lettuce, and I can barely bear (not as in grizzly) to watch this. Now this leezazrd understand why leezard dad was such a anal retentive clean freak, my god! With a brother like this. Damn you, Eddy! Damn you! The heat lamp has finally fried your pea brain. Time to pull the plug, if only there was one - on your "bath tub" I mean. Here Leezard, who get angry sometimes, he let it all out on his poor uncle, "Listen Eddy, Rick James was the super freak but you, you are the stupid freak...as previously illustrated by your own demoralizing behavior. You have left me high and dry with your disgusting antics and now there is nothing to do but lie to the movie studio, to mama leezard, to the CIA handlers (okay not really, not yet, but soon! They'll see the talent!) and to Leezard God. If that is your wish, to let poo take precedence over family pride, then I say fine, I respect your choice. Just don't look this leezard up when you need a favor!"

Now this leezard, the one putting his shame before you, the one who humbly and unambitiously wished to tell a story, he tell you this: life sucks. Eddy is not on board. The fans all want a piece and everybody else wants a cut, classic case my friends. The small fry want to always swim with the big leezard, so now this leezard just got served. He got taken down a notch, and possibly a few more notches. Time to go somewhere and spawn and die just like those stupid Alaska Salmon fishes. I mean, whats the point even trying any more...

Wait a minute? Guess what reader? This leezard, he do have a story, the story of how leezards at the Reptile Garden do not have access to education about proper waste disposal and sanitation and hygiene. If only Eddy had been toilet trained, he could have envisioned a better life and a future for himself. Yes! Bad, bad Reptile Garden! The place that leezards go to eat poo and lie with their tongues out under the merciless radiation of heat lamps. Yes! Damn! I need my typewriter and my secretary, Gary the Gila Monster. Where is he? Stupid bastard? Don't he know that inspiration strikes the pea brain when the iron type thing is hot? Yes! Now the review is written. The Reptile Garden ain't no Eden garden, friends. There are not enough bathrooms for the leezards. There. The. End.

Teerlinck's review: Three sets of restrooms are available here, four if you count the mock Old Time Outhouse complete with an old timer mannequin propped up on the can. He still has his pants up though, so maybe he's just sitting in there to do a line. Anyway, the bathrooms by the entrance and the ones in the old concession building outside were fine except for a vague but powerful fecal odor coming from the men's. Whoo! Hits you in the back of the throat! The restrooms in the Sky Dome, famed refuge for an alligator called "Maniac" and Stinky [named by author], an Inland Taipan, the most poisonous snake in the world. Something like .00000000000000000007th of an ounce of its venom could kill fifty people in the prime of their health. I put my hand on the glass and wondered what a bite from Stinky would feel like and would I die quickly and would I hallucinate as I died and what would I see if I did. I wondered that a lot as I read about other types of venom and other creatures I may one day encounter. They say the Fer de Lance strikes and keeps striking until it thinks you're dead. Apparently this snake wants nothing to do with Costa Rica's peace loving socialist democracy. Outside, a bald eagle hobbles up and down in an enclosed pen, looking up at vultures flying around a tree. His wing was permanently damaged by violence. He looked like the true spirit of America, and the vultures looked like the men who hold America hostage for personal gain. In a shack guarded by a shy, teenaged waif I found three 80 year old tortoises stomping tomatoes and chowing down on carrots. They were "petting turtles" but the turtle tender explained that they might mistake your finger for a vegetable. Hmmm. I think I'll leave the petting to someone else, someone whose insurance covers prosthetic fingers. Actually, I'm being unfair. The old fart torties are reputed to be calm, gentle, loving, flesh eating maniacs. Except the last bit. The men's in the Sky Dome featured a trait I had never before seen in the wild, a urinal with its own private stall with door and latch. Never has pissing been so private and free! The plastic tropical plants further enhanced the experience. If I recall, Nice did not check out every single women's restroom in the place but the one she did use was fair and accurate and did not play fast and loose with the facts or display a liberal bias.

- Justin Teerlinck

RESTROOM RATING: 8
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