Lewis and Clark Information Center/ Rest Area

Lewis and Clark Information Center/ Rest Area

Chamberlain, SD

Reviewed June 12th, 2005

This complex consists of a two story building which includes a tourist information center, restrooms, museum and a big fake keel boat that you can climb up into via some stairs. A separate building is a headquarters for state troopers. A greeter at the door asked how my day was going and was put off when I said I had a pounding headache and was looking for some pills. I guess should've said "legal pills...for my sciatica!" What the hell is a sciatica anyway? When I asked her if she knew the name of this place, she seemed confused. Why would someone want to know that? Why indeed. She answered my question by handing me a pamphlet that contained pictures of the rest area and an overview. A rest area promotional pamphlet? Kids, whats wrong with this picture? Now, if we were in North Dakota I could understand. North Dakota is desperate for tourist dollars and I'd be surprised if there wasn't a promotional kit to entice people to drive an hour away from the interstate to check out Lawrence Welk's boyhood home. For the record I like North Dakota a lot. The North Dakota badlands are prettier. But still, a rest area promotional pamphlet? Its not even like people can spend money there aside from the vending machines. Hey I'm not judging. Its cool. It gave me the name of the place.

Like most of North Dakota, this place milks the "Lewis and Clark were here!" angle for all its worth. Creepy dead stuffed animals, well built keel boat replica, fake teepee and interpretive signs tell the story of a time when Meriwether Lewis and Dick Clark camped in the area. The Lewis and Clark story stands out in American history because it may be one of the only pioneer military adventures where Americans didn't kill any Indians and the Indians did not kill any Americans. If that had happened, we might all be watching Indian shows instead of American Bandstand! Oh no! Of course, one of the signs note a disagreement over a "miscommunication" between the Lewis and Clark expedition and a group of Dakota Indians.

Some famous historians say it went something like this.

Lewis: So, uh how's it goin'? I guess you got the e-mail from Napoleon stating that we bought all your land right? Well uh...here we are! Don't worry, it will be a few years before we take it all away. Gee...gosh this is more awkward than I thought it would be...

Indians: Huh? Napolean who? We didn't sell any land.

Clark: Napolean Bonaparte, you know, the little guy with the Napoleanic complex? He sure can't dance but he's a good at multitasking. This land was all his and so we bought it from him. Look, we know you native dudes have been her for a few thousand years or something but unless you have a deed, well... Look, as part of our friendship agreement, you get some shiny coins, a few beads and mirrors and best of all...a guest spot on American Bandstand with me, the eternally young at heart Dick Clark!

Indians: Thanks for the coins. We were completely out. What we really need though are blankets tainted with smallpox. That would be great. We can't wait until you're gone for good. We will call you Dances With Lies and make you our blood brothers. Other nations do that by cutting the hand or wrist but we use the neck. Here, you first!

Lewis: What did they say?

Clark: They said we are friends for life and why didn't we come get their land sooner. They say look at all this land, and we're not even using it man! Please bring plenty of cows. They say they want to call me Dances With Wolves! Isn't that cool Lewis? Isn't that just about the most spiritual thing you ever heard? I mean, a little cliché after Lars Von Trier's Dancer In the Dark but still great I think. We've got to bring some of their pipes and drums back and sell them to new age stoners. We'll make a killing! They say 'we eagerly and impatiently await your next visit whence we shall shower you with gold and virgins. Sorry we didn't have any today.' These people are terrific. I think I'll give them two shows on American Bandstand.

Lewis: I think I'm going to kill myself when this is over.

The restrooms here were similar to other rest area restrooms in South Dakota. Big and clean. High ceilings, thick walled stalls and white tile everywhere. As usual, the steel door on the wheelchair stall was thick enough to stop an RPG. The wheelchair stall had the archetypal baby changing station but in addition to that, it also had a plastic seat bolted to the wall next to the toilet. The chair had a seatbelt and a little sign that said: I'LL HOLD THE BABY! Why thank you. Daddy's got a take a leak. Hard to do that and hold a baby at the same time.

- Justin Teerlinck

RESTROOM RATING: 7
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