River Boat Grill

River Boat Grill

St. Paul, MN

Reviewed August 25th, 2005

When one speaks of a floating Riverboat perched on the Mississippi River serving up dinner nightly, you cannot help but conjure up glorious images of a gigantic ornate paddle boat with cherry red trim and a riverboat captain with a snappy uniform cheerily greeting you at the entrance as the scents of fine sirloins and caramelized desserts loft your way. Perhaps the restroom is clad in mahogany and polished brass and outfitted with little bottles of cologne and perfume. Well son, I hate to get you hopes up because - just as you realized how unfair life can be when the "life-size submersible submarine" (with real working periscope!) you bought out of the back of Boy's Life magazine turned out to be a cardboard cutout - the reality of the situation is actually quite sobering. Perhaps the first tip-off for me was the neon sign advertising the shabby relatively small riverboat was OPEN. I half expected to see additional neon signs advertising LIVE NUDE GIRLS.

The middle deck contained two restrooms; one unisex and one women only. The unisex restroom featured a toilet, urinal and sink and a window wide open to the deck for all to see you in your urinating and defecating glory. In any boat except the Queen Mary space can certainly be tight and the built-in cabinets housing various paper products and cleaning supplies necessitated shaving a quarter inch off of a plastic double switch plate. Exposed rusty pipes curved every which way but loose around the walls. A simple twist of the water faucet labeled "H" yielded no results. Perhaps the "H" stands for the jeering "HA-Haaaaa!" of Nelson (of Simpsons fame) as you try in vain to access what you would assume to be the source of hot water. The women's restroom featured a large crooked sign explaining the important steps involved in washing your hands. You know, with the water, and the soap, and the rinsing and whatnot.

RESTROOM RATING: 5
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