Lakeview Cemetery Memorial Mausoleum and Chapel

Lakeview Cemetery Memorial Mausoleum and Chapel

Minneapolis, MN

Reviewed October 31st, 2005

Death: Its what not living is all about. Death. Sex. Poetry. Truth. Beauty. Oom-bop. Mystery. Serenity. Death. Truth. Electric Shaman. By themselves, these words conjure, bedevil, animate and intimate auras of enigma. They reveal the essence of the human condition while unleashing the powerful forces that propel the progression of humankind into the next dimension of exploration of mental mindscape. Put these words together in just about any combination and you have the absolute answer or the primal question to the infinite struggle. Say these words out loud in a sultry tone of voice with some house beats in the background and if you're lucky you might just land a career in the music business.

Memorial Mausoleum: The mausoleum is open, empty and silent. Those were the most generic words I have used to describe anything but they convey vast depth of thought without exerting the intellectual range of vocabularitude that I possess but doctors have warned me not to over use lest I strain or injure it by strong, vigorous and enobled yet frail and frazzled mental constitution. The dead inhabit the marble walls that tower over your head and their narrow confines create claustrophobia. Take the elevator to the bottom floor and go left around the corner. All the furniture looks like it was preserved in mint condition from a five star hotel in the mid-1970's. The bathroom is small, full of nooks and covered wall to ceiling in white marble and black slate. I almost became lost in there. I looked in the mirror and saw my face against the sterile white backdrop and I imagined that if I looked long enough I might see an arm reach out from around the corner and grab me and pull me backwards into the stall through a portal to the Lost Land of the Dead. Wouldn't that make a lot of people happy! Needless to say, I did not wait for that to happen. The longer I was in the crypt, the sicker I felt though the place was full of gorgeous images, fascinating mementos left by the living, and a style, décor and mood that were frozen in time. Like the rest of it, the restrooms invite your curiosity, only to repulse it once they have you in their oxygen starved grasp.

Memorial Chapel: Rake Magazine called it, "the Sistine Chapel of Minnesota," but Minnesotans will probably find a more welcome reception at the actual Sistine Chapel. Since we weren't rich or famous, we were forced to savor the nine curmudgeonly minutes we were allowed to view this sacred, historic and artistic site. Access to this chapel and its restroom is controlled by an unfriendly caretaker who desires your speedy exit. The intricate, hand crafted mosaic tiles do not stop at the periphery of the chapel room itself or its angel bejeweled dome. All around the door frame and wall patterned mosaic tiles continue their endless journey, having captured countless eyes for almost 100 years. Italian experts came all the way to Minnesota to put this together, along with the bronze, arched door of the restroom and its spotless, tiled interior. A bronze, freakin' door, I'm not kidding! Nothing feels more private or connects one with a sense of ancient monarchical privilege and security than the opportunity to close a bronze door behind yourself, and expel thy royal waste waters.

- Justin Teerlinck

RESTROOM RATING: 10
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