Bally's Total Fitness

Bally's Total Fitness

St. Paul, MN

Reviewed February 26th, 2005

Admittedly, there is bound to be some nudity in a locker room. However when old men stagger around wearing their birthday suits while shaving, cutting their toenails, brushing their teeth or examining themselves in front of panels of full length mirrors while picking nits out of their pubes - one is forced to take exception.

Yet, how does one go about "taking exception?" One fellow patron remarked that he witnessed a guy take a number two and then walk past the showers directly to the pool. He pointed out that our Minnesota social conventions don't exactly provide us with a ready script for this sort of situation.

Allow me to suggest a few choice approaches for just such a predicament.

First of all, the use of a clever pun can be deployed to help defuse an otherwise tense situation. "Pardon me sir, did you forget to wipe back there? Oh yeah, 'back there in the stall and 'back there' as in... well... you know. Ha, ha, ha! Am I right? I mean... ha... ha... ha... Uh... Yeah... "

Sometimes the direct approach can be disarming. "Say isn't that one hell of a bird's nest you have down there. I've got an extra bottle of RID in my locker if you want to take it home with you."

When the direct approach fails, try subtlety. "Hey buddy, wax is better in candles... dontcha think?"

Of course, even with matters as delicate as these honesty may sometimes be the best, the only tenable policy. "Sir, it greatly disturbs me to watch you eat your boogers. Please abstain from that."

I hasten to add that all the situations I described above were not hypothetical but actually witnessed... aside from nit mining. In addition, I also saw another activity that was ubiquitous but no less shocking than the others. It seemed that few people had a problem with walking into the toilet stalls totally naked - no footwear even - and using them. After seeing excrement on the sides of the toilet, how could someone not see how it could end up in the floor near the toilet as well??? Seeing it, how could someone not care? All I can say is that the Bally's locker room is filled with people who feel they have nothing to lose.

I can admire their ability to live on the edge from afar but alas, I cannot emulate it. Maybe barefoot toilet stall walking can become the next daredevil corporate team building gimmick, now that just about everyone has tried walking on hot coals. Or perhaps it could be the spiritual ability of a new, loner marshal arts action hero who is equal parts Chuck Norris, Billy Jack and Ron Jeremy. I can see it now: Stallwalker Texas Ranger. He keeps the stray drops from crossing the border... ? Okay, now that's really grasping at straws but A for effort right?

This review was intentionally left unaccompanied by the usual, requisite photograph because Bally's Total Fitness bans picture taking in the locker rooms, where the bathrooms are located - for good reason. The low rating in this review is as much a reflection of patrons' restroom habits as it an indication of substandard maintenance of the facilities. That said, my girlfriend noted that someone ALWAYS seemed to be cleaning in the women's locker room and bathroom. I used the facilities at multiple times on multiple occasions and it never looked as though that kind of attention was paid to the men's, but I cannot absolutely verify it. I can only say that I rarely saw anyone in there cleaning and it rarely looked - or smelled - clean. Bally's has friendly staff and in general is a great place to workout.

- Justin Teerlinck

RESTROOM RATING: 3
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